she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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