sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
