The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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