My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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