My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
