if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
