Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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