I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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