DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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