he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
