the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
