how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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