Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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