last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
