My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Princesses don't give blow jobs
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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