I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
