Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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