I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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