his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
