Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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