Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
