I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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