I'm going to rape someone's good day.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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