I'm gonna have a badass scar
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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