I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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