When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
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