I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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