I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
