HIV tests are more positive than that guy
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
