I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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