she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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