I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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