I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
