mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize