I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
