i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
