Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
