you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
