Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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