It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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