Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
