Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
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