I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize