You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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