i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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