I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
