i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
