you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
