a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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