if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
