i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
