hell yes lets make some ravioli
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
