I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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