Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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