I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
