Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
