its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
